Five jokes that depend on a literal interpretation of a figurative statement

Figurative statements are those set of word or a paragraph that tells the idea as a whole with the use of figurative speech and also by using its meaning and thought. The best example of it are the following: 

#1. All pro athletes are bilingual, they speak English and Profanity
#2. If you understand English press 1. If you do not understand English, press 2.
#3. My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but i laugh more.