I often play a little game with myself when I’m feeling bad. The game is a simple one, and maybe one that some people might find slightly morbid, but it cuts to the heart of the matter.I ask myself if this thing that is making me feel bad will matter to me when I’m on my deathbed. Ninety-nine percent of the time the answer is no.The things that matter to us when we’re contemplating our demise are the things that are actually important like, Did I love enough? and, Did I do all of the things I wanted to do?No one on their deathbed has ever said, “Man, I really wish I hadn’t stumbled over my words during that job interview.” Or, “I wonder why no one complimented me at that party when I was twenty-two.”We spend a lot of our time worrying about things that won’t matter to us later.You might be thinking, but it matters to me now, and it does. But there are two reasons why it shouldn’t: The first is that worrying is counterproductive, and the second is that worrying about what other people think of you doesn’t serve you.Worrying is the most impractical way to use your energy. There has never been a time when worrying if so-and-so would like you, give you the job, or want to be your partner in life contributed to you getting what you want.Not only does this not solve your problems, it typically leads to anxiety and overwhelm.When things are outside of our perceived control, like when we’re meeting people for the first time, worry kicks in.Our minds are wired for negativity—an evolutionary tool designed to keep us safe. But today, this process doesn’t serve us. We’re not meeting bears that might kill us at the event tonight, but our bodies are responding as if we were.Just like anything that isn’t serving us, worry can act as a signpost for where we need to dig more deeply into ourselves.Worrying about what other people think about you is a key indicator that you do not feel whole without the approval of others. You’re looking outside of yourself to fill something only you can fill. No amount of approval from an outside source will ever make you feel whole. You’ll get it once and need it again and again and again. It’s an addictive cycle that turns you away from yourself. I remember when I began dating in my early twenties. I was super nervous because I wanted to make a good impression on whoever I was going out with. I was so focused on appearing likable that I didn’t even consider whether or not I liked him.This, in the simplest of terms, is disempowerment.We disempower ourselves when we’re more concerned with how other people perceive us than we are about how we perceive ourselves.When you are truly content with who you are, you stop being concerned with whether or not other people like you.You deserve to live your life for you instead of chasing an ideal your mind has created.You deserve to discover who you truly are, and show that incredible person to the world.You deserve to have people around you who love and admire you for who you are instead of who you are trying to be.There are two techniques that have alleviated my worry about what others think of me. The first is my breathwork practice, a powerful active meditation that gives me clarity, connection to my deeper self, and lightness of being.The second is mindfulness, the act of being conscious and nonjudgmental of my thoughts. Once I’m aware of my thought process, I work on actively shifting my focus to something that serves me.I recently went through a shocking breakup. It was shocking because the person I had been dating led me to believe he was committed to me, and we were planning our futures together.Without warning, he decided he didn’t want that. Of course, there is a natural grieving process when we lose someone we love dearly, but part of my challenge has been letting go of what he thinks about me now.I will have thoughts about how he doesn’t hold me in the high regard he once did, and it will leave me feeling deflated.In these moments, I am disempowering myself. I am allowing his thoughts about me to matter, and they shouldn’t.It’s not that we shouldn’t ever care about what people think about us, but we should care what we think about ourselves first. So in these moments I ask myself who I am and place my attention there.If he doesn’t think I’m amazing anymore, it doesn’t matter, because I know I am.We disempower ourselves far too often. A simple shift in our thinking can bring us into connection with the truth.
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